How To Sell Cellular Phones

As anyone in the retail business will tell you, a career in sales makes for a great combination of interesting stories and small paychecks. They'll probably also tell you that selling is an art - what they won't tell you is that it's the kind of art that you can buy at Walmart under the guise of "Big Mouth Billy Bass."

I sell cellular phones, which means I can provide an inside scoop into the retail sales process... it also means I cry myself to sleep.


Step One: Dress for Success
Proper work attire is key to being a good salesman, so it's best to find the nicest shirt and tie that you have, press them to perfection, then spend a good five minutes making sure that you've got them tucked into your pants in a way that won't "Ruin the lines." I don't really know what "Lines" are in clothes - with the exception of the barcodes on the tags - but apparently it's important to not ruin them. I've found it's best to iron your clothes while you're wearing them to make them look crisp, my suggestion is to use a good steam iron on your shirts, a dry iron on your pants, and good Hickory stick to bite down on to offset the pain.

Step Two: Show up
Perhaps the biggest key to racking in great sales is to show up to work. I'm still unconvinced, but they did do a study, and who can argue with those?

Step Three: Dress for Success part II
Roll your sleeves up, loosen your tie, and untuck half of your shirt. You want to look like you've been so busy selling stuff that you've had to compromise your attire just to deal with customers by the thousands. Having a coworker punch you in the face is a nice finishing touch.

Step Four: Customers
ALERT! People are coming your way, with what appears to be a look of "I want to buy something from you right now!" Stay calm and don't panic, they'll be able to smell your fear. If you have a name tag, your best bet is to rip it off and act like you're just a customer yourself. Toss out phrases like "Sheesh, these guys don't have anything," or "This place is a dump, I'm going somewhere else." With any luck they'll pass you up and you won't even have to make eye contact.

If for some reason the customers see through this, your next option is to start speaking a foreign language, preferably one that doesn't actually exist, while pointing at your genitals.

Step Five: Lunch
You've undoubtedly worked up quite an appetite with all of this dressing up and avoiding people, time for a little food break. I find it best to take these about 15 minutes after showing up, and about every 30 minutes thereafter.

Keep in mind that under no circumstances should you EVER pay for your own lunch, or even eat with your coworkers. You can try the usual means of litigating money from your peers, such as: "A refridgerator just fell on my brother - can I borrow some money?" or the more popular, "Remember that time you got herpes from the one-legged prostitute from Guatamalla? Well I do, and I need five bucks." If you come up short, just 'borrow' some products as you leave and sell them to pawn shops along the way.

The important thing to remember when borrowing money is to never mention "I'll pay you back," that way they can't hold it over your head. If it slips out accidently, just don't actually re-compensate them and you'll be fine.

Step Six: The Attitude of a Winner
Stay positive, find your happy zone and stay there. I find the best zones are usually in the break room near the microwave.

Step Seven: Inter-Office Competition
Don't be fooled into actually working because your employer is offering killer bennifits to the "Winner" of some contest, because these aren't going to be anything you'll actually like anyway. Think: "Hey Bob, you sold more phones than anybody in the company last month, here's a three-sizes-too-small t-shirt with our company logo on it... but remember you can't wear t-shirts to work, (wink)."

You are better off by simply mocking those that actually take such competitions seriously; or better yet, sleep with their wives.

Step Eight: Going Home
It's best to leave at least an hour early, preferably when a frantic coworker asks you an important question. Just say, "Good question! Wait right here, I'll find out the answer and be right back."

Step Nine: Wash, Rinse, Repeat
Wake up the next morning, spray your underwear with cologne, and repeat steps one through eight.


Rock on.