How To Move - A Complete Guide

Have you ever noticed that the process of moving seems to evoke a sense of mass empathy usually reserved for such pains as a solid kick to the crotch? Even if you're relocating from the bowls of inner-city Detroit to a plush castle sitting on 500 beach-front acres in the tropical Caribbean, the thought of loading up a U-Haul with your entire collection of earthly possessions (and then unloading them) is as attractive as taking a shoulder tackle from Dick Butkis.

Believe me, we've all been there. Well most of us anyway. I'm sure there are the select few (read: Paris Hilton) who, instead of moving to a new house, just buy a new one to 'add to the collection' each time they step into a new zip code. But for the rest of us, moving is as inevitable as death, taxes, and having your favorite NFL team blacked out during the only game you're actually able to watch all season.

I'm no stranger to moving my stuff from one place to another. In fact, as a proud pick-up truck owner, I'm no stranger to moving other people's stuff either. And in my typical style, I'm glad to offer my expertise with you.

Step One: Find a new place to move into. This may seem obvious, but you'd look pretty funny driving a yellow Ryder truck around in circles for the rest of your life. Speaking of a truck...

Step Two: Rent a big truck. As a generally rule, you'll want one that is just small enough to not fit everything. This affords you the God-given opportunity to pawn your old recliners on your neighbors. This step can be omitted if you know anybody - and I repeat ANYBODY - that owns a pick-up truck.

Step Three: Call in all your friends to help you. Especially those friends that you blew off when THEY were moving. In fact, most social scientists agree that if it weren't for moving we'd eventually lose contact with everybody...

Step Four: Load all of your stuff into the truck. I really can't offer any useful advice here other than to use a lot of grease.

Step Five: Drive to your new house. See, step one WAS important. Otherwise, this is where you circle around a randomly. I find left turns make you feel like an Indy Race Car Driver.

Step Six: Dump the stuff out of the truck. Now that I think about it... Dump... Truck... Maybe I'm on to something here.

Step Seven: Enjoy a job well done. Bask in the refreshing glory of an ice cold beverage. Don't even worry about your stuff that's sitting out in a pile in your front yard.

And that about wraps it up. Hope you've all learned something valuable: NEVER buy a pickup truck.