New Years Resolutions - A Reality

I'm sick of New Years resolutions. OK, I take that back; in theory, resolutions aren't so bad - but what people come up with... UGH!

It may surprise many of you, but I go to a gym. Normally the equipment-to-patron ratio is somewhere in the 30 to 1 range, but since the first of January it's been more like 1 to 56,000. It's worse than a crowded elevator. I used to warm up with arm circles before bench pressing, now I can't even lay down on the bench in fear that I'll get trampled.

And it's all because of New Years resolution.

On average, the "New Years" crowd outweighs the regulars by about 12 belt notches. And regardless of what they think, peddling a recumbent stationary bike for 15 minutes with a towel around their neck at level 2 isn't going to significantly reduce their belly (which acts as a convenient shelf for their fitness drinks).

I'm not too worried - the crowd has already died down by about 30 percent and it's only the second week in January - but it does make me think about two things.

1) Gyms must make 75 percent of their yearly revenue between Jan. 1 and Jan. 5, and

2) Why do people conjure such grandiose resolutions, when the odds are clearly stacked against them.

Don't get me wrong, I think it would be great if the guy in the sweaty tank top kept at his fitness routine. But odds are that he'll be back to double cheeseburgers and VH1 before Valentine's Day. It's almost as if people say to themselves: "What's the hardest thing I could possible force myself to do?" and turn that into their New Years goal.

Maybe they should take baby steps. Instead of saying "I'm going to loose 250 pounds," sweaty tank top guy should start with "I'm going to shave the back of my shoulders."

Of course losing weight is only one example of doomed-to-fail New Years resolutions, but you get my point.

But the way I see it, if you're going to come up with a New Years resolution that you'll likely never fulfill, why limit it to weight loss? (or spending less money, paying off debts, etc.). You might as well go for the gusto and dream big, really BIG.

In this spirit, here are a couple of resolutions I came up with for 2006:

1) Learn to breathe underwater,
2) Ride a dinosaur,
3) Develop cold fusion,
4) Go on a date with Tea Leoni,
5) Cure cancer, AIDS, and the common cold,
6) Become the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos,
7) Fire Donald Trump,
8) Pass through a black hole,
9) Hunt a vampire,
and
10) Ride a stationary bike until I lose weight.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find my tank top.

Rock on.